When is a Journalist not a Journalist? When he's a Barman

When people ask me what I do for a living I don't bullsh*t or pull any punches - "I'm a barman," I say ruefully, "but I've just graduated from Uni."

"Ahh" they reply, nodding their head understandingly and with a sense of relief they don't have to feign interest or act impressed. If I feel like embellishing the truth a little bit, I may even say I'm a journalist, but this isn't an outright lie - far from it. I write articles weekly for a website, have a part-time job for another, and have this blog.

However there is only so long I can go on with these self-indulgent claims and delusions of grandeur. By the summer I will have not just graduated, and by September there will be a whole host of new graduates to battle against in the hunt for a job. Also, there is only a limited length of time I can claim that two part-time and largely unpaid roles constitute being a journalist. I am literally months away from being an official barman and its a distressing thought.

My only glimmer of hope is that by the summer the recession will have hit so hard even having a job for minimum wage will make me akin to royalty. I'll have beggars and vagrants approaching me from all angles when I walk down the street pleading to "spare some change Sire?" And with the house prices crashing it'll only be a matter of time before I can buy my own castle - perhaps. Or perhaps, as I suspect, the only thing the beggars and vagrants will be asking me is, "So what is it you do?"

"Errr.... nothing."

So Mum, what do you think about Scolari's sacking?

It seems everyone has something to say about the sacking of Luiz Felipe Scolari as Chelsea manager. The latest of which was David Mitchell of Peep Show fame in this Sunday's Observer. Now I'm a big Peep Show fan, and I'd be happy to listen to most things Mitchell has to say as I've always found him amusing in an awkward/Conservative sort of way. I can't imagine Mitchell has written much to do with football in his career, and hopefully this latest offering will be the last time he does.

Now, I don't know if the whole thing was a joke - a simple swipe at football, a sport he clearly has no time for - or a genuine effort to make an interesting comment. He argues that if drawing against Hull at home is enough to warrant Scolari's sacking (of course it was more a case of Chelsea teetering on the edge of the Champions' League), how should that make Hull feel? Well I don't need to state what a stupid comment that is to anyone that even takes a passing interest in football. He goes on to say that "this is one of the merciless ways which the elite maintains its status and mystique." Hmm, I don't think that was something that was considered in the fallout from Scolari's sacking - maybe it was so we could keep Hull City in their place so they don't get any big ideas.

I've not written this to wax-lyrical about how great football actually is, or really to defend it - I don't have to against such a childish attack - but more to say columnists should really stick to writing about stuff they have a clue about.

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The David Mitchell column followed on from another reaction to Scolari's sacking that I found equally baffling, though for different reasons.

It was in the immediate aftermath of the news, and Radio Five Live crossed over to a Brazilian journalist. Now, who better than a journalist from the same country as the outgoing Chelsea manager? Well one that speaks English would be good.

Now I'm not doubting the credentials of the chap, I'm sure he has very many useful insights into Big Phil as a coach and as a man, but the most the Five Live interviewer could get out of him was "Yes well err, I'm surprised because he have good seasons in Brazil... I'm surprised yes." Illuminating I'm sure you'll agree. You may as well ask my grandad about the finer points of the West Coast Rap scene. Is it really that difficult to take the time to find an expert interviewee that can actually make a good point?

Scooney has Landed

As a journalist (well, as someone attempting to be a journalist) I felt it was about time I found some sort of outlet for my thoughts on the world. After getting sectioned for scribbling my ramblings on walls of public buildings, the obvious progression seemed like blogging - essentially an e-version of said ramble-scribbling. Hopefully it won't break the terms of my bail.

I don't have any specific topic for this blog and I certainly won't profess any great in sight into a particular field - unless its how to upsell lager to the Northampton townsfolk. I'll pretty much just write about whatever gets my juices flowing at the time, or maybe something I feel just needs to be said.

I suppose the reason I haven't started one sooner is that I was in fear of the possible horrendous rejection you can feel when you put yourself out there. If I get to ten posts and I have zero views it will be like being told no one cares what I think. But why should they? Who the f**k am I? Well screw it - I'm putting myself out there and you're going to like it damn it.

Will it be worth reading? Well I guess thats down to the blogosphere to decide.

This is _Sc00ned.